So, life is full of ups and downs. But they all stay within certain limits. It's like the "scream machine" at Six Flags over Georgia. When I was a teenager we went there and stood in line for HOURS just to experience the thrill. I knew the roller coaster was going to take me up and down ridiculous hills, and around sharp curves I could see it all from the 2 hour line I was waiting in. I knew that even though it was going to take me high, shove me down and jerk me about--in about a minute and a half I'd get off and go recover on the antique merry go round.
When Dr. Caudill sat on the gurney beside me, wrapped his arm around me and said, "You've got cancer" I wept. Now, if you've walked that journey with me--you know that. I wept for several reasons--the first being because of the "C" word...but the grief that I felt had more to do with the end of my fairy tale life than it had to do with cancer. I sensed that the life I knew had just ended. And for that I grieved. Of course my grief soon turned to great faith, deep peace and almost laughter in the "pure joy" of the cancer journey. And when it was over I was just beginning to get my old life back. The "scream machine" one--with it's break-neck speed, highs and lows, sharp curves and abrupt stops.
God has been good to me! I've enjoyed my life...very much--even if it has made me a bit woozy at times. :) But, with this new twist I'm forced to realize that the grieving I felt that day was there because of what was coming next. God knew--and His Spirit that lives in me knew. Thankfully I was on a "need to know" basis and He didn't think I needed to know more then.
Just suffice it to say I was right to grieve. My fairy tale life is definitely over. And now, I'm fastened tightly in a metal box with a padded shoulder bar hooked over me and secured at my waist. But, unlike the "scream machine" I've got no idea where this ride's taking me. The hills keep getting higher, the speed faster and the curves sharper. It's more like the "mind bender" (another ride at Six Flags that includes loopty loops and was added a fews years later). Only there's no way to see where I'm headed or how long it will last. Not even a little bit (like space mountain at Disney world where eventually your eyes adjust to the dark and make out the shapes in the twinkly lights).
It's certainly NOT the "coaster" I know. Nor the one I stood in line for hours to enjoy. And I don't necessarily "feel Him" with me but I KNOW that God is still the Master of the Ride.
"For You are great and do marvelous deeds You alone are God." Psalm 86:10
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