Saturday, April 3, 2010

Still pondering these things...

It's the Saturday before Easter; 70 degrees and gorgeous outside today on my back porch. The trees seem to be celebrating the Resurrection with everything God put in them!! And me? I'm shaking my head at His goodness.

To tell you the truth, I've experienced miraculous recovery from surgery. It's been 11 days since I had major surgery at Vanderbilt Hospital, and today I walked 3.8 miles!! (It's a big loop that I used to enjoy jogging.) Don't tell any of my healthcare providers, and for sure don't let my mother know I did that!! But...I feel great.

In fact, as my body has made this miraculous recovery, my heart and mind are trying to play "catch-up." One of the first things I confessed a day after I was told I had cancer was how angry and disappointed I was with my body. I felt a bit betrayed. For I have been one to try to eat right and exercise all my adult life. When my children learned I had cancer they immediately blamed it on "all the healthy food you feed us!" I told Tom I didn't think I'd ever trust my body again. To think it was sick for years and I didn't even know it!

But now that this same body has kicked into warp speed on the road to recovery, I'm beginning to smile--and make peace with the "old girl." She's doing what I expect and treating me well.

Of course this has been much more than a physical journey for me. It's been quite the spiritual journey as well. And the spiritual part is the one that makes me say, "hmmm..."

I wanted the miracle of no chemotherapy, I really did and even prayed for it. But for God to grant it so graciously...who am I? Who am I that He should be so sweet to me???

Before March 1, it's all I knew. All I knew was the goodness and sweetness of God. I walked with others in unimaginable places, but as for my own personal experience with Him, GOD HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO GRACIOUS AND KIND! It's really all I have ever known. And even in this month-long journey through cancer---He's been more gentle, more REAL, more present than ever! And with Him granting me complete healing with surgery, it's all I still know. God is good--and why? Why does He do this for me?

If He hadn't been "good" would He still be God?

That question I now have an answer for...YES! Even if He had seen fit for this cancer to be in my liver and lungs He would have been just as good and just as God as He is in my health. I told my prayer partners on Wednesday, March 3 that if I died of colon cancer, I wanted them to be sure to testify to God's goodness to me. For I refused to let death rob God's glory.

For whatever reason He has chosen to hear our prayers and extend my time on earth. I am more grateful than what may be spiritual to admit; but I know that this healing is His "GREATER GOOD." So, it's with fear and trembling that I'm going to keep "working this out" in my heart and mind--and with faith I'm going to keep walking it out each precious day.

I'm not sure I've ever seen a spring so beautiful in all my life!


Hollis said...

How beautiful, Leighann!! It is a journey, one that takes time to process. I rejoice with you in your healing. I walk beside you in your journey, having been there, too. I am so thrilled that you went for such a wonderful walk. I won't say a word to your Mom or your docs!!! It was great to see you in church this morning!
I think a "celebration" pedicure will be in order very soon!!

alisonl37174 said...

God is mighty. His ways are not our ways....well, you know it. We are praising God that in this instance ~ His way is as we would have it! And we would praise God if His way was a way we wouldn't have chosen. It was so good to see your smiling face walking down the aisle out to the greeting room with PT yesterday... CharLee was home for the weekend, and she said "There's LeighAnn!"

Wife of the Pres. said...

LeighAnn, We arrived in style (e.g. LATE AS USUAL) on Sunday morning. The room was PACKED and everyone was standing up singing. Charlie and I looked at each other and he said, "Well let's just walk up front and see if there is a spot." Sure enough, there was right on the front row. I could not BELIEVE it when I looked over and saw you over there!!! That just made my day, my week!! Then PT came by and teased us about not fitting on that front row much longer ;) and we told him how wonderful it was to see you over there. He agreed of course!

I am standing with you in amazement at how gracious God has been. I know He can and will continue to do great things through you, his servant.

BTW, Charlie and Jonah are leaving for China a week from Thursday! Prayers welcome if you think of us on one of your walks!!! And I'll be following not too far behind him in the next few months God willing … going back to China for yet another and doing our part to fill up that row (tell PT he can definitely add some more chairs but we're moving to the back row!)